The warm, dry heat of the sauna hit me. The crisp tang of pine resin hanging in the air tickled my nostrils. A sudden hiss broke the dim silence as the sauna’s only other occupant, a middle-aged woman, poured a ladle of water over the hot coals. The steam rose for a moment before instantly vanishing, consumed by the hot, dry air.
The woman, a tall, blonde figure, looked at me. Her jaw tightened and her lips pursed as her ice-blue eyes narrowed. Her stare lingered on me for just a moment. A red glint flashed across her eyes as her mouth twisted into a smirking grin. The hard lines of judgement were etched across her face.
My knees gave way beneath me. Stumbling backwards, the rough stone floor scraped against my heel. My lungs felt like they were collapsing, squeezing the breath from me. Every muscle fibre twitched. A primal scream began to form in my throat. My eyes darted around, searching desperately for somewhere to run.
But then the world slowed down. A hand, soft, steady and warm, clamped around mine. Lela was there.
“It’s ok Heidi, I’ve got you.” Lela spoke tenderly. Her voice, a soft whisper coaxing me back from the brink. Her fingers interlocked with mine as she led me slowly into the dim, amber heat of the sauna.
“Are you ok, love?” The blonde woman asked, her hand dropping the ladle back into the black water bucket with a splash.
She looked at me; fine lines like delicate spider webs crept out from the corners of her blue eyes. Her nose, a strong curve that stood out above high cheekbones. Her pale blonde hair tumbled loosely around her shoulders. She smiled again, her lips relaxed, the lines around her eyes deepening slightly. Whatever judgement I had seen there just a moment ago had now vanished, if it had ever even been there at all. There was warmth in the look that she gave me. For a heartbeat, I saw my mum’s face looking at me.
I tried to force what I hoped was at least a semblance of a pleasant smile in return. “I’m fine, thank you,” I spoke, my voice still a little tight. “It’s just been a bit of a hectic week.”
She nodded slowly before turning her attention back to the sauna stove and its bed of dark black, hot rocks.
Lela led me up to the middle tier of wooden benches. We laid down our sitting towels and settled ourselves down.
The heat began to soak deep into my bones, melting away any lingering chill from my time in that cabin. The constant aches in my joints, the gnawing reminders of Lars’ brutality, began to fade. My head fell back against the smooth, warm pine of the upper bench. I let my eyelids close as I took a deep breath. The hot, dry air filled my lungs, searing away any lasting tightness.
The heavy silence wrapped around me like a blanket, broken only by the occasional hiss and sizzle of water vaporising on the hot rocks. Just like the water, my thoughts dissolved into nothing as I let myself float in the void of my mind. The terrors, the shadows and dark things had retreated to the jagged edges of my psyche. All that now remained was a fragile sense of peace and healing.
Opening my eyes, my gaze drifted over to rest on Lela. Moisture glistened on her skin, catching the light like tiny diamonds. A single rivulet collected on her jaw before tracing a path down her neck and along the curve of her collarbone before finally running down her chest. Her chest rose and fell with the slow, steady rhythm of her breathing. I was acutely aware of our closeness, of the soft, gentle pressure where our thighs brushed ever so slightly.
Lela looked over at me, her eyes meeting mine. “You do know that I would never abandon you, don’t you, Heidi?”
I nodded slowly. How could I ever have doubted her? With all his lies, with every bruise and scar that Lars had dealt me, how had I ever believed any of his poisoned words? Lela would never forsake me.
Lela continued, “I’m so sorry, Heidi. I should never have believed him. I know you better than that. I should have known that something wasn’t right.” She took a slow, deep breath as she wiped a bead of sweat from her lip with the tip of her thumb. “I’m sorry for my lies too… I should have been honest about Ingrid from the start.”
A cold stab suddenly pierced my chest, twisting like an icy blade of a dagger against my heart. She shouldn’t be apologising to me. She had nothing to be sorry for. It was I who was guilty, not her. I had slept with the man who I believed to be her boyfriend. An unforgivable act that had been driven by my own perverse needs. I was the one who had attacked her. Even in the low light of the sauna, the welt under her eye was a clear and visible sign of a darker side that still haunted the shadows of my psyche.
Reaching out, I placed a hand on her knee. Her smooth skin was warm, soft and slick with moisture.
“Lela, please don’t! You have nothing to apologise for.” My voice hitched dryly in my tight throat. “You’ve done nothing wrong. I betrayed your trust and then continued to deceive you about it. I attacked the friend who came running to my rescue. You had a good reason for what you did. You just wanted to protect Ingrid, just like you protect everyone. I get it.”
I squeezed her knee gently as my voice finally broke and a single tear traced its way down my cheek. “You came for me, Lela! You came for me when I needed you. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know what I would have done or where I’d be now.”
When I spoke those words, I meant every single one of them. I couldn’t bear the thought of ever hurting Lela again. I had no idea then of just what I was still capable of.
Her hand closed around mine, squeezing it tightly. We sat together, hand in hand, in the heavy silence. The understanding between us rang louder than any words ever could.
It was Lela who finally moved. Standing, she looked at me with a smile.
“Come on, babe,” she whispered. “I think we’ve both probably cooked enough. Let’s see if we can find the rest of you.”
The heavy door of the sauna swung open, and we stepped out into the cool air.
After the sweltering heat of the sauna, the plunge pool came as a sharp shock. Gasping, I lowered myself into the frigid water. With muscles clenched, I remained submerged. On the outside, cold water scratched at my skin, but inside me the furious fire of determination ignited.
We took a shower, got dressed and made our way out of the Tøyenbadet and back to the car park where Lela’s red Golf was waiting.
The drive back into Oslo’s Sentrum took around fifteen minutes. I sat quietly, looking out of the window with the cool glass pressed against my cheek. The city rolled past. Large square apartment buildings, which dominated the street, loomed over us before opening out and giving way to the large grassy expanse of the Sofienbergparken. Children ran and played among the still leafless trees while dogs on their leads meandered here and there.
Soon the buildings rose up high around us again, their white, 19th century facades gleaming majestically in the afternoon sun. Occasionally a bar or restaurant would add a splash of colour and break up the stately rows of pale stone.
The buzz of a sunny Saturday afternoon grew as we drew into the city’s Sentrum. Cars wove their way through the busy streets, red buses trundled past, and pale blue trams glided soundlessly along their rails.
The journey was quiet. We didn’t speak more than a handful of words to each other. We didn’t need to. We left behind the heavy, suffocating weight of the secrets that we had been carrying. Our future stretched out in front of us.
Lela fixed her eyes on the road ahead; her hands wrapped around the wheel lightly. A smile slowly crept across my face. We were finally back together again.
The tyres rumbled on the cobblestoned street as we turned onto a side road just outside the National Theatre. She pulled the car to the side of the street and, turning the key, cut the engine.
“I asked the girl at the desk to give the salon a call while you were still drying off.” Lela said, turning to look at me with that glint of mischief in her eye that I knew so well. “The owner’s a friend of mine, and he’s managed to fit us in.”
I nodded, my stomach twisting into a tight knot. After so long away from it, it was time for me to step back into civilisation.
“We’d better not keep them waiting, then.” I said, filling my lungs with a deep breath.
Together we walked down the busy street of Karl Johans Gate, a wide smile tugging at my lips, one that finally felt real. The sun was warm on my skin, and I could feel a buzz of electricity rising inside of me. It was a healing energy, a positivity that I hadn’t felt for a very long time. The loud hum of the traffic, the bustle of the people, they all seemed to fade into a hazy blur around me. I was with my best friend, and in that moment, nothing else mattered to me.
It was only a short walk to the salon. We arrived at a large, glass fronted building. Shining chrome lettering set against a deep grey background above the windows announced the salon’s name. The door stood open, and the smooth rhythmic notes of Simply Red’s Fairground drifted out in stark contrast to the chaotic buzz of the street.
Lela placed a hand on my shoulder, and together we stepped inside.
Before us was the deep grey reception desk, behind which opened out the salon. Pure white walls lined with black framed mirrors reflected the harsh, pure glare of the conical steel lights which hung down over every station. The sound of the music was now interspersed with the sharp sniping of scissors, dull hum of electric clippers and the low chatter of conversation. The air was thick with the scent of peroxide and the chemical sweetness of hairspray. It was the smell of a world that I had almost forgotten I belonged to, almost forgotten existed.
We stepped up to the desk. The receptionist looked up from the magazine she had been reading, peering at us both over the black rims of her glasses. “Good afternoon, ladies.” She said with a smile.
“Afternoon!” replied Lela. “Lela and Heidi, you should have appointments for us?”
“Of course,” said the receptionist, her finger tracing down the lines in her appointment book. “I’ve got Lela down for a trim… and Heidi, you’re with our senior stylist?”
Senior stylist? In a place like this? That would cost a fortune. My eyes snapped to Lela, who looked back at me with that glint still in her eyes.
“I’m treating you, babe. You deserve it.” She whispered in my ear as the receptionist led us around the desk, across the polished grey tiled floor and to a couple of black styling chairs.
Before I could sit down, a man in his late forties stepped up beside us. He wore crisp black trousers and an impeccably ironed black shirt. His silver hair was clipped short at the sides and swept back over the top with precision. His hair was a sharp contrast to the dark, perfectly groomed goatee beard covering his chin.
His piercing blue eyes scanned my bedraggled hair, nodding slowly. The look he gave me wasn’t one of judgement. He was an artist eyeing up a blank canvas.
“Good afternoon, Heidi, I’m Marcus.” He spoke with a sharp, clipped tone of an English accent. “Lela mentioned that we might have a bit of work to do today.”
I smiled, nodding as he guided me into one of the black chairs. As soon as I was settled, he swung a black cape over my shoulders and secured it at my neck.
A shudder coursed through my body as I looked at myself in the mirror. Who was this girl that stared back at me? Her hair was a ragged, frayed mess.
I could see Marcus standing behind me, watching me in the reflection of the mirror. I noticed Lela sitting at the station next to me. A girl of around our age had already started setting to work on her, snipping at the ends of her hair.
Picking up a silver comb, Marcus began running it through my hair. I winced as it snagged on the occasional knot, each one he gently eased out.
“So, Heidi, what are you thinking?”
Taking a deep breath, I looked at that girl in the mirror again. That wasn’t me. That was the ruined shell of who I had once been, the broken husk that Lars had turned me into.
It was time to throw off those ruins. It was time for something drastic. Time for a totally new Heidi to rise from the ashes.
“I want it gone, Marcus. I want a pixie cut. I want you to go short and sharp. Use the razor if you must.” My eyes met the reflection of his. A broad smile crossed hip lips as he picked a pair of chrome shears, which glinted brightly, reflecting the conical light hanging above us.
“Right then, Heidi, a pixie cut you will have. Stylish and chic.”
My eyes drifted back to the mirror. I remembered those beautiful, sun kissed blonde waves that had once cascaded over my shoulders. There had been a time when I had loved my hair; I had adored it. But that was a different time, a different Heidi. A weak Heidi, an abused Heidi. Today we would see the new Heidi. This Heidi would be strong and take control. This was going to be a different Heidi, and she needed something different.
“Let’s make it black, Marcus. I want gloss black.”
“I like your vision, Heidi. Strong and defiant.” Marcus replied in his English accent.
“No… I need something more… I want the black, but at the front, the fringe… I want that a shocking pink. Not just a highlight, I want it to shout to the world.”
I heard Lela giggle beside me.
“You little minx! Who would have thought it!” She chuckled as she looked over at me.
“She’s a girl with attitude!” Marcus laughed in reply. Then, taking several strands of my hair between his fingers in one hand, he placed the shears near my left ear and snipped.
The sound of the shears was loud, sharp and decisive over the music.
A tingle ran down my spine as I watched that first lock fall. Dead and lifeless, it tumbled to the salon floor.
But it wasn’t just a lock of hair that was being discarded. It was the ghost of the girl Lars had broken. It was every cruel strike, every lie, every violation. As I watched the floor become littered with golden blonde, I felt lighter. I was finally that phoenix rising from the ashes of ruin and torment.