An impatient rustle and low grumble from Bella on the back seat of the car jolted me out of the dazed state that I had drifted into. The sunlight was a brutal, blinding glare that reflected harshly off the last remnants of the winter snow.
I turned my head towards Lela. Her forehead resting on the window, her gaze fixed on some point far off in the distance. The soft sound of her shallow breathing whispered to me. A glint of silver on her cheek, a single tear that left behind it a stark black trail of smeared mascara.
The air sucked in through my nose with a harsh, stinging breath. My shoulders drew back tightly, my eyes narrowing as I glared at her. My hand tightened into a fist at my side. I wanted to hate her! Every scar, every ache, every tremor that I had received in that cold, damp basement led back to her. Her lies, her deceit. I had laid the burden on myself, but it was her hands that were red with Kristina’s blood, not mine.
I needed someone to blame, and in that moment, I blamed Lela. I told myself that I had carried the heavy weight of guilt on my shoulders for too long. I’d kept Asmund’s secret to protect her. Yet she had known all along, and even worse, she had lied to me. She had hidden her true self from me, kept her relationship with Ingrid a secret. All these years. I thought we were best friends. I thought we were supposed to be like sisters. How could she keep something like that from me? How could I have not seen it?
Lela’s body quivered, a shudder that rippled across her shoulders. Her lower lip caught between her teeth. A gasp of cold air flooded my lungs. My eyes settled on her perfect features, her long hair slung over one shoulder. She was beautiful.
The heat of rage that had only moments ago threatened to consume me, faded to nothing, replaced with a chilling shame that crushed my heart. It wasn’t just her face, but the softness around her eyes, the smile that could always bring warmth to my heart. She had somehow found it in her to forgive me. Even if my actions hadn’t hurt her directly, my intentions must have done. Yet, she had rushed unquestioningly and without hesitation to my side when I had needed her.
Lars had destroyed just about everything that I had, but the one thing that he hadn’t destroyed was Lela. She was the only good and pure thing left in my broken and tattered life. Could I really let her go?
“I’m sorry, Le-Le.” I said, sniffing as I uttered the words.
Slowly, Lela turned to face me. The smudged mascara, a black stain that streaked her cheeks. The purple-black swelling under her left eye, standing out in sharp contrast against her porcelain skin. Still, her ageless elegance always remained.
Her bright pink lips, a vibrant splash of colour, stretched into a thin smile. “I think that perhaps we both should have been more honest with each other, hey babe?”
My words choked in my throat, coming out as an incoherent gurgle. My vision blurred as tears welled up. Blinking, I tried to clear them, but instead they overflowed, tracing a warm, salty trail down my face. Leaning forward, my quivering hand came to rest on her knee. Soft, smooth, warm leather beneath my touch.
With her hand gently landing on top of mine, she smiled again, this time wide and full. “No more secrets, huh?”
“No more secrets.” I whispered.
Falling forward, we both pulled each other into a tight embrace. My eyes closed as my chin came to rest on her shoulder.
A shiver of ice suddenly ran down my spine.
The words of our promise reverberated around my skull with a dull, throbbing ache. No more secrets, we had told each other. While before my eyes flashed the images of Grandfather’s old cabin and inside it, the two bodies that I had left abandoned there. My darkest secrets.
The pact had already broken before it had even begun.
Holding on tightly to her, I breathed in that familiar scent, that mixture of perfume and shampoo. That essence that was so uniquely Lela. The soft caress of her breath brushed my neck. I had almost let her go. I had come so close to pushing her away for good. I would not let that happen again.
Eventually we released each other, glanced into each other’s eyes for a brief moment, before Lela started the car and carefully parked it on her driveway. We both opened our doors and stepped out into the warm air. I let Bella out of the back, and she bounded excitedly, her tail wagging, towards the front door.
As I stepped inside the house, a deep breath filled my chest. The warm aroma of the coffee from breakfast still hung in the air. I smiled widely as I looked around the front room. I could hear the low hum of the fridge freezer in the kitchen. The bright daylight flooded in through the big windows. It glinted off the pink and chrome guitar, which was propped up in the corner of the room and cast bright reflections on the walls.
Everything was just as it should be. Everything was normal.
It was just a normal Saturday morning. Only, it wasn’t normal, was it? It was the day that I decided to put my past behind me and start focusing on the future, on building a new Heidi. The scars I carried, both mental and physical, would take time to fade. I understood that, but I was determined that they would heal.
Behind me, Lela closed the door. The catch engaged with a sharp, metallic click. A sound that would usually jolt my nerves, for once, didn’t make me flinch.
“Hey, Lela?” I turned my head to catch her eye as I spoke.
“What is it, babe?” Lela tilted her head ever so slightly.
“I was wondering if that offer of a girly afternoon out in the city is still open?”
A small, tittering giggle escaped her lips, with that mesmerising sparkle flashing in her eyes. “You know what? I think that’s exactly what we both need.”
“And why don’t you invite Ingrid along, too? It would be great to see her again. There’s no need for the pair of you to be hiding anymore, not around me.” Did I mean that? In that moment, I thought I did. But I felt an icy twist of a knife in my heart as I spoke. Something deep inside my subconscious moved. Something dark reached out at me, wanting to pull me back into those shadowy depths.
My jaw clenched, nausea rising inside me. Inside my mind, I let out a scream. No! It was time to move on. I would not let myself get dragged back to that place.
Lela’s smile burst across her face, her eyes went wide, glinting in the light of that bright spring day. She was like a flare of positivity, banishing the darkness that had crept over me.
“Thank you, Heidi. That means so much to me,” she said, her tone trembling. “She’s working until five, but perhaps she’ll be able to join us for dinner afterwards.”
“That sounds like a great idea.” I replied.
“I’ll phone her office and see if she’s free tonight. Why don’t you grab a few towels for the sauna and get yourself dressed in some of your own clothes?”
Glancing down at myself, I saw the pink Adidas holdall hanging at my side, the torn blue jeans, the Bon Jovi t-shirt, all Lela’s clothes. I could feel the underwear beneath them, Lela’s underwear. The bra that usually would have been too small for me was now loose on my gaunt and wasted body. I imagined her scent clinging to the fabric. They were Lela, and they felt comforting and safe.
“Do you mind if I wear these?” I asked.
Lela’s right brow arched slightly, her shoulders gave a brief, puzzled shrug, and then she laughed. “Ok rock chick, if that’s how you want to roll.”
I quickly packed some towels in a bag and settled Bella down in the kitchen with one of her favourite chew toys. As soon as Lela had got off the phone with Ingrid, we got back into the car and made our way towards Oslo city centre.
Passing through the centre of the city, I watched as the busy streets suddenly opened out, giving way to trees and parkland.
Turning the car, Lela pulled up outside Tøyenbadet, the city’s large swimming centre. It housed an Olympic sized swimming pool, many smaller outdoor pools and, of course, the saunas.
Together, we walked in through the heavy double doors and up to the turnstiles, where a dark-haired receptionist waited to take our money.
Money! I hadn’t even thought about money! My purse, cash, and bank cards were still mixed with my other belongings at Lela’s house.
“Don’t you worry about that, babe! Today’s all my treat.” Lela said, laughing at the shocked expression on my face,
The air grew heavy and humid, thick with the smell of chlorine as we made our way up the stairs and towards the women’s changing rooms. Mesmerised by the gentle sway of her body, I followed Lela through the heavy blue door of the changing room.
White ceramic tiles covered the floor, and blue lockers lined the walls. The room was strangely empty. It was unusual, I remember thinking, for a Saturday afternoon, when the pool would usually be full of children and their parents.
The sound of our footsteps clicked sharply on the tiles, echoing off the walls as we walked over to a bench. Lela turned away from me slightly, offering me some privacy. I pulled the black Bon Jovi t-shirt off over my head and let the jeans fall to my feet. Then, with clumsy fingers that were out of practice, I fumbled with the clasp of the too big, red bra that I had borrowed from Lela.
My eyes were drawn to the mirror on the far wall. I couldn’t stop myself from watching the reflection of my friend as she undressed. Her body, her curves, were prefect. Her skin was soft, smooth and flawless. Suddenly my gaze snagged. My eyes jerked sideways, catching sight of myself. My breath caught harshly in my throat as I tore my gaze away.
I was thin. The lines of my ribs protruded clearly through my chest. The sharp angles of my hipbones jutted out unnaturally. My skin was stretched taut like old leather. Thin white lines crisscrossed my body. The scars from Lars’ beatings were still clearly visible.
An uncontrollable shudder tore through me. The crack of the switch filled my ears. Lars’ cruel laugh erupted around the room. The white scars on my skin flared, a raw agony searing through them. I watched as they split open, the cloying metallic scent hitting me as deep red blood welled up and then dripped, puddling on the bright white tiles of the floor.
“Are you ok?” Lela’s clear voice sliced through the delusions of my mind. The crack of the switch fell silent, Lars’ laughter stopping as quickly as it had started.
I squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened them, Lela stood in front of me. A pink towel was wrapped tightly around her body while another was slung over her arm.
I nodded slowly, the cloying copper like smell lingering in my nostrils. Wrapping my own towel around myself, I picked up another, smaller one from the bench beside me.
“Come on then, let’s go and bake.” Lela said with a cheerful smile.
I followed as she led me through the changing rooms and past a square blue sign, bold white writing read ‘Showers and Saunas’.
We stepped into a narrow room. The same white tiles still covered the floor, with vibrant red tiles on the walls. To the left, the space opened out, giving access to the shower cubicles and cold plunge pool. To the right stood four glass doors. The saunas, dimly lit, glowed a soft, orange brown through the smoked glass doors.
Lela swiftly undid the knotted towel and let it fall to her feet, elegantly she stepped out of it. She picked it up with one hand and hung it on a hook beside the sauna door.
The joints of my fingers seized, locking into a painful, useless claw as I fumbled with the knot of my own towel. Everything about me was awkward and clumsy, while Lela was pure lithe grace. She was beautiful and perfect. I was a haggard, scarred freak. My body trembled at the thought of her seeing me like this, the thought of anyone seeing me like this.
Her eyes caught mine. She must have noticed my hesitation. “What’s the matter, babe? This will be good for you.”
I couldn’t look at her. My eyes dropped to my feet. My voice cracked and stammered. “I’m hideous, Lela! Have you seen what he’s done to me? I’m ruined and I’m ugly!” A cold knot formed in my chest. The light dimmed as the narrow passage closed in, pressing close around me.
Somewhere, a tap dripped ominously.
Drip, drip, drip!
“Heidi!” Lela’s voice, loud and urgent, shattered the darkness that was coming over me.
The passage was bright again. The sterile, artificial light bounced off the floor tiles.
“Heidi? Are you ok?” Lela’s eyes were fixed on me intently. She moved towards me, coming to stop just a few centimetres in front of me.
I nodded slowly, and Lela continued, her voice charged and sharp with conviction. “I don’t ever want to hear you call yourself hideous! You are not ugly! Do you hear me? You are beautiful! You are strong, and you are a survivor. After everything that he did to you, you’re still here. You’re still standing. That takes something special. These…” She said, softly tracing one of the pale lines that striped my arm with a pink fingernail. “These lines will fade. You will heal, just as you always have done. You’re safe now.”
My breathing slowed, and the knot in my stomach started to settle. Managing a smile, I lifted my eyes to meet hers once again, to see that comforting glint in those dark pools.
Taking a step backwards, she held out a hand to me. “Come on, Heidi.”
With a tentative hand, I released my towel, allowing the fabric to fall away. A warm breath of air blew across my exposed skin. Lela’s eyes glanced over me very briefly before returning to mine. Those eyes showed no disgust, no judgement, no pity. All I could see there was acceptance.
She took my towel and hung it on the hook beside hers.
“Come on, rock chick, let’s cook those demons right out of you.” Opening the door, she stepped inside, immediately swallowed whole by the dim haze of the sauna.